Plans

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell~


I read this quote last week and it really spoke to my heart.  Some very real struggles have come up for me in the past couple weeks.  I haven't wanted September to come.  I was hoping that we could just skip September this year.   I think this is because my due date with Nathan was September 19. 

I've found that in grieving for Nathan, I've also grieved for the plans that I had made for our lives.  It's hard to let go of them.  It's hard not to think that I would have been pregnant all this time, and although I've tried not to think about it, I can't help but think that I probably would have been scheduled for my c-section this week.  If our plans hadn't changed, I would have been bringing a baby home this week.  Elizabeth and Michael would have had a baby brother here to play with.  I try not to let my mind go to those places but it's hard.

In the past couple years, we have had quite a few babies born in our family at the end of August and in September.  At the beginning of my pregnancy I remember thinking how cool it would be for our new baby to share in all the birthday festivities that would be taking place in August and September.  So with all the birthday parties we've gone to in the past couple weeks, I couldn't help but be reminded of this as well.  Like I said, it's hard. . .

Mig and I talked about all of this and he told me that we will miss Nathan every single day of our lives and we will also remember Nathan every single day of our lives, so why should September be any different?  And he's right.  I'd rather think of it that way than to think of the would haves.  Because Nathan does have a birthday and it's not in September.  His birthday is May 30th.  He was born on Memorial Day this year.  I wish that from now on, I could see September as being just like any other month.  I'm trying to anyway. 

So what can I do?. . .the same thing I've been doing this whole time. . . I've been trusting in God's plan for Nathan's life and for his family's life.  Some days are harder than others but the trust is always there. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. . ."  - Jeremiah 29:11