Making It Count

We are just about 2 weeks into 2012, and I think the fact that 2011 is gone, has slowly settled in for me.  I guess I wasn't sure how ready I was to let 2011 go. .  It was definitely the year of Nathan.  I found out I was pregnant on January 9,  and somehow, 2011 became the longest and hardest year of my life. Though this loss has been great, even greater than that is the blessing that Nathan has been to our lives.

I definitely had ambivalent feelings about 2011 coming to an end.  I wasn't sure if I was happy to see 2011 go, or sad to see it leave.  I guess I was sad to see it leave because there are so many moments of the past year that I wish I could go back and relive.  I wish the 2012 Jolene could somehow visit the 2011 Jolene one year ago and warn her of everything coming.  Impossible, I know.  I've seen Back to the Future. . .

I don't even think that I would do anything differently if I had the chance because in my heart, I know that in all things, I did my best.  We knew that every single day we had with Nathan was a blessing, and we never took one second for granted.  He knew that we loved him, we told him every chance we got.  He knew that we thought he was the most awesome little guy that any parents could have, we told him that every day too. 

I guess I'd just want to go back and relive the moments we had with Nathan, to see him and touch him.  I guess there probably is just one thing I would change if I could go back to 2011, I never would have left the hospital on June 24.  I would have stayed with Nathan the whole night because I had no idea that when we left the hospital that night, it would be the last time we would say our earthly good-byes to him.

But. . . . .Time doesn't work like that.  Time doesn't go back, it only moves forward.  I know that.  I accept that.  It's hard though when your heart wishes time could take you back, even if only for a minute. 


I've been reading The Shack for the past couple weeks, and this past week, a part from the book just really resonated with me. . .

(Without saying too much about the book, in case some of you may want to read it in the future.)  The main character, Mack, who lost his young daughter a few years before, is having a conversation with Jesus.  Jesus asks Mack if humans were intended to live in the past, present or future.  The obvious answer is that we were intended to live in the present.

Then Jesus asks where Mack spends most of his time: in the past, present, or future. Because Mack has so much regret, guilt, anger, and sadness from losing his daughter, he realizes that he does spend most of his time thinking about the past.

And that part just struck a chord with me.  I can't live in the past.  I can't spend most of my time there.  We can visit the past.  We can learn from the past but no amount of wishes will take me back to 2011, and the wishes and thinking about the if-onlys will take you so far, and after that, there's not much to hold on to. 

What I do have to hold on to though, are the memories of Nathan, the good that came from him, and the inspiration he's given us.  I carry that with me everyday.  I take him with me everyday.


On New Year's Eve, I got to talk to my friend Susana, and we both agreed that we just weren't feeling the New Year's festiveness that was all around us, but she said she gave herself a pep-talk, and in doing so, she gave me a pep-talk too.  She said she didn't feel like celebrating, but that she told herself she was going to make it count.  That was something I needed to hear.

A year ago, I had no idea that my life would be where it is today, but I still need to make it count in 2012. . . for my family, for Elizabeth, Michael, and especially for Nathan.