Mother of 3

I've thought a lot about what I would say if and when someone asks me how many children I have.  It would be easier for me to just say that I have 2 but that is not exactly an accurate answer.  Nathan is still my child and will always be my child.  Nathan is just as much my child as Elizabeth and Michael are.  He will forever be apart of our family.  He just so happens to be in heaven.  I wish I could change that but I can't.  I wish he was here with us, but he isn't. . .I've accepted that.

So what's the answer to the question of how many children I have? I have 3 children. Two here on earth and one in heaven.  I know that's my answer but I didn't know if I would be up to actually telling other people who don't already know that answer. . .

Twice over the past 2 days, I have come in contact with people who don't know me and didn't know about Nathan. 

On Sunday, Mig and I were at a car dealer, talking with a woman (the finance manager) and a man (the sales manager).  The woman asked how many kids we had (because Eliz and Michael weren't with us).  I paused and thought about what I should say.  I didn't feel like telling her the real answer.  I told her that we have 2 kids, but I didn't feel right.  So I had to tell her the right answer, "Actually, we have 3 kids." My voice began to quiver a little and I felt I might tear up so I looked over at Mig and he helped me out. "Yes, we have 3 but our third baby recently passed away," he said.

There it was, the truth.  Reality. Our reality.  I felt better and a little stronger so when the woman asked what had happened, I was able to tell her Nathan's story.

The sales manager standing next to her told us that years ago, he too, had a baby girl who passed away at 3 months of age.  He said that he also has a teenage son and that when people ask him how many kids he has, he said, "I usually just say one but yeah, I actually do have 2."

Yesterday at Michael's preschool, I met the new teacher he will have beginning tomorrow, since he is moving up to an older classroom.  She seemed very nice, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking,  she doesn't know.  What if "the question" comes up.  I was hoping she wouldn't ask me. I really was. She could ask me another day and that would be fine. Just not today please.

And right before I left, "the question" came up but in a different variation..
"So, is Michael your only child?"  I knew that she was asking me solely for the purpose of understanding Michael's family dynamics, birth order, etc. I could work with that question, I didn't have to tell her the whole truth with the way she had asked...

So I said, "No... Michael also has an older, 8 year old sister." There. Done.

But then she had to add, "So Michael is your only boy."

{Sigh.} I could have just said yes, and left it at that. It would have been easier at that moment to just have said yes but I knew that I would probably feel unsettled and guilty the rest of the day for leaving Nathan out.

So I had to tell her.   I am a mother of 3.