Nathan's Book

We have a lot of memories with Nathan that I want to write down.  One of the special memories that we will have forever is of Nathan and his book.

- - - - - - - -

The memory I have of the first time I saw Nathan in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) a couple hours after he was born, is not a particularly good memory.  One of the neonatologists who had been in the delivery room had just come to my hospital room and told us how hard it had been to resuscitate him.  He said that Nathan was now stable, but according to premature infant survival statistics, Nathan's prognosis was not good.  He said that most babies at Nathan's gestational age do not make it past the first week, but that if he did make it past the first week, his chances would significantly go up.

Looking through the plastic wall of his isolette for the first time, I wasn't prepared for how small he was, 1 pound, 9 ounces, and I wasn't prepared for how many wires and tubes he would need to keep his little body going.  It's hard to see your baby like that when every single maternal instinct you have wants to just reach in and pick up your baby, and kiss him, but I couldn't do that.  We were able to touch him, but the very first day I was too scared to touch him.  He looked so fragile.  All I could do was talk to him.  It was a very helpless feeling.

The first couple days of Nathan's life, while I was still admitted in the hospital, Miguel and I tried to talk to Nathan as much as we could.  I remember Miguel even giving Nathan the sports news, "The Dodgers won today, baby. You're giving them good luck," he said.  But I had this anxious feeling that wouldn't go away.  When we ran out of things to talk to Nathan about, we both just sat there and stared at Nathan while he slept or stared at his vital signs on the screen.

If you've ever spent time in a NICU, then you would know that just sitting in the NICU can cause anxiety.  There is constant beeping from all the different machines and ventilators.  Then there are the frequent alarms that go off when a baby's heart rate drops or their oxygen saturation lowers.  You hear an alarm go off, and then you pray that it's not your baby who is the one having trouble, but one second later, you feel guilty because you realize that every single baby in there has a family just like your baby does.  And every baby's parent wishes for nothing but good days for their baby's NICU stay.  The NICU is a very surreal place, especially the section where Nathan was. It was like every baby's life was just hanging on by a thread.  It's a place where each baby is recognized for the true blessing that they are.  A place where each day is a gift and where nothing is taken for granted.

I didn't like that anxious feeling.  I knew that I needed to do something to get over it.  I came up with the idea of reading to Nathan.  That way, I could still talk to him and Nathan would hear my voice and know I was there, while at the same time, I would be able to ignore all the beeping and alarms around me. 

So the first chance I got, I bought Nathan a book.

The morning after I was discharged from the hospital, on 6/2/11, Miguel had an appointment to donate blood for Nathan.  Across the street from the blood bank was a Target.  I had missed going to Target while I was on bedrest.  That may sound silly, but it's a simple thing that I enjoy doing.  Target is my store.

So while I was waiting for Miguel, I went to the Target in search for the perfect book for Nathan.  I didn't want a baby book. I wanted a book with substance.  I thought about getting something wordy, like a Dr. Seuss book.  I walked up to the shelves and my eye immediately caught, "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss.  It was perfect.

This book was especially fitting because it would enable us to remember the goals we set for ourselves and for Nathan.  We were determined to stay positive for Nathan, and we wanted Nathan to stay strong.  We wanted Nathan to know that his hospital stay was only temporary.  One day, he would get out of the hospital and we would be able to take him to many places, and then later, Nathan would go to his own important places in life.


We read Nathan his book everyday.  Even Elizabeth and my mom got the privilege of reading it to him.  It's a very special book. It talks about life and its obstacles and making it through rough times and succeeding.

I would start off by saying, "Ok Nathan, I'm gonna read your favorite book to you. 'Oh, the Places You'll Go,' by Dr. Seuss." And then when we came to the end of the book I would say, "Wow, that was such a good story, don't you think?"  I remember one day during Nathan's last week with us, I read it to him and he had his eyes open the whole time, just looking at my face.  It was a beautiful moment, one that I'll never forget.

Two days after Nathan passed away, I got the courage to open his book, which had been on a table in the corner of the living room, partially hidden.  I think subconsciously, I never wanted to see this book again.  This book had represented hope for us and for Nathan.  His book didn't have the same meaning to me anymore.  Part of me resented ever buying the book in the first place because now, I'd have to see it here.  At that point, it was a sad reminder of what could have been. . .

So I picked up his book and started reading a couple pages, but tears blurred my vision.  I closed the book.  I couldn't do it.  It was just too hard. I took a minute to pull myself together and thought if I don't read his book right now, I don't think I ever will. 

So I read his book.  And while it didn't have the same meaning to me anymore, I realized that its words had taken on a new, different meaning now.  Maybe this new meaning had always been there but I had no way of knowing at the time.  The days that I had sat by Nathan's side, I thought I was reading about all the places Nathan would visit here on Earth, but really, I had been telling him about all the places he would visit in heaven.


With Nathan's memorial service a few days away, I knew that I wanted everyone to read his book, so they would know the special meaning it had taken on.  My sister-in-law helped to make this possible.   I picked my favorite parts from the book and this is what everyone read aloud at Nathan's service:

"Oh, the Places You'll Go!" By Dr. Seuss


Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there in the wide open air.

OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(99 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)**

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So. . . you're off to Great Places! Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So. . . get on your way!

I now feel glad to have this special memory of Nathan. I use his book to keep my connection with him.  Whenever I see his book, I think of him. Whenever I read his book to the kids, I'm also still reading it to Nathan.  It will always be my favorite book. It's Nathan's book.

My hope in sharing Nathan's book with everyone was also that whenever they saw it or read it in the future, they would think of my little Nathan. He is probably running and playing on the beautiful streets of heaven right now. . .  = )

**The first day we read this to him, Mig wanted me to change a couple little things about the book.  So I got a pen and wrote in the changes. The part that says "98 3/4 percent guaranteed" was changed to "99 3/4 percent guaranteed."   Also the last page, we wrote in our kid's names. If you are ever here at my house and would like to see it, I will show you Nathan's special version.  =)